#but i'm keeping my opinions about that to myself

[heyftinally]

I really appreciate this addition, so thank you :)

I have told a few close friends that I strongly suspect I have ADHD (they have ADHD diagnoses and we all share very similar traits, so it's HIGHLY likely that I'm right), but I also know there's...strong opinions...in disability spaces, both about self diagnosis and about including things like ADHD on disability posts, especially if they started out heavily focused on physical disabilities. I try my best to be considerate of whatever generally considered appropriate/best practice, but I'm often hesitant because I've had a few too many people basically tell me my opinion isn't wanted or I don't have enough knowledge to contribute. Which...I know I don't know everything. I just know myself and my friends. So I generally keep to the tags on disability posts unless someone - like yourself - decides my tags are worth sharing more broadly.

Idk, getting a little personal here on your post, but sometimes I feel like me over here with my fidgets and my food texture aversions and terrible executive function is a far cry from chronic pain, years of fighting doctors, mobility aids, and cocktails of medications just to get through the day. So I don't generally put them on larger community posts, because it just kind of seems...trivial. People are having to contend with getting stared at and whether the hassle of bringing a mobility aid is worth the pain it will save later, and I just toss a small plastic trinket in my pocket, double check my plan, and I'm more or less fine.

So yeah, thank you for your kind words. It was nice to read. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm allowed to call my struggles what they are, because they seem so minor compared to what others have to deal with. But it's not a contest, after all.

Local PSA: invisible disability does NOT mean you can live your life like a "normal person" invisible disability meant that if a stranger looks at you in public they wouldn't know what's going on.

Like if a wheelchair user were to decide to run into a corner store to grab a candy bar because they know that their legs can last that long without, the cashier wouldn't know.

Or someone with "mild" scoliosis walking upright through their shoulder leans slightly to the left. Maybe they just have bad posture. The lady in the next isle thinks to herself.

The person with EDS or POTS or whatever sort of condition wearing compression gloves out and about. Perhaps it's a fashion statement?

Or what about the people with intestinal issues? They can look like "normal people" too.

You never know what someone is going through.

You never know what they might need to survive or if they're on the edge of a flare up or even if they are currently going through one just by one look.

I think both disabled and non disabled need to realize this. You're not "no longer disabled" because you can "live without" disability aids. They're there to help you. To make your life easier. If living without a cane is going to make it more likely you'll fall over and hurt yourself, use the cane.

If you need to sit down to do dishes or cut vegetables because you need to save your legs for taking out the trash, sit down.

If you need a shower chair because you don't know if you'll pass out, use the shower chair.

People are going to judge you regardless for multiple reasons out of your control.

I'd rather they judge you while you're being safe.

You don't need to struggle to be "normal."

You can just be you.

However that looks for you.

Use your disability aids.

[arc-misadventures]

So with the rebirth au, has jaune left for uncle Roman’s yet? And if so is he being molested affectionately attacked by neo?

The Separation

The land whizzed by as the train sped across the tracks along their way to, Vale. Jaune's mind wandered as he watched this scene sped past him.

Jaune felt empty, like half of him was gone. His sister, and him had been for the first time in their lives been truly separated. They had been separated before, but they were often within walking distance of one another. They were joined at the hips, never apart.

But now, they were half way across the world from each other.

Jaune was going south to, Vale, and Jeanne was traveling north to, Atlas. Jaune was all on his own. Least, Jeanne had their new half-sister going along with her. This as a good thing in his opinion. Winter seemed to bound rather well with, Jeanne, if a familial bond between, Winter Schnee, and the Arc family were to be born, It would happen through his sister.

But, now, Jaune was all alone.

He hadn't felt all alone like this before since his time in the, Ever After. It wasn't nearly as bad of an experience; being lost in, Vaccuo in your underwear with nothing by a used toothbrush would still be a better experience than being stuck in the, Ever After.

He did have his giant jackalope though.

Jaune sighed as he trip came to a conclusion as the train entered the train station, and came to a screeching halt.

Jaune grabbed his equipment from the shelf, and made his way out of the train, and train station. He pulled out his scroll as he followed the map to some bar found in the downtown of, Vale.

Jaune kept to himself as he walked the busy streets of, Vale as he made the way to, Junior's Bar. If he wasn't mistake, that was the name of the bar, Yang trashed in a brawl. It made, Jaune wondered if he would stay here long enough to see her again.

That was a possible problem of, Future Jaune. Right now, Present Jaune had to deal with a bouncer.

~~~

Jaune: Okay... I know I look too young to go into a bar.

Bouncer: Which you are.

Jaune: Which I am! But, I am not here for a drink. I am here to see, Roman Torchwick.

Bouncer: Never heard of 'em.

Jaune looked at him before pointing at a wanted poster of the man right next to him.

Bouncer: ...

Jaune: ...

Bouncer: I choose not to acknowledge that photos existence...

Jaune: ...

Jaune: I can respect that.

Bouncer: Thank you.

Jaune: Can I come in now?

Bouncer: No.

Jaune: Can I come in please?

Bouncer: No.

Jaune: How about now?

Bouncer: No.

Jaune: Would you let me in>

Bouncer: No.

Jaune: Would you let me in if I give you your wallet back?

Bouncer: No.

Jaune: Then I'll keep it for myself them! Mr...?! Your first name is Stancy?

Bouncer: ...

Jaune: Stancey Lugency Percanttcy...

Stancey: ...

Jaune: ...

Stancey: My Dada hated me...

Jaune: I can see... that...

Stancey: ...

Jaune: Ever thought about you changing your name to something like... 'Stan Luji Percant?

Stancey: ...

Stancey: How do you spell that?

Jaune: S-T-A-N.

Stancey: Yeah...

Jaune: L-U-J-I.

Stancey: Uh-huw...

Jaune: P-E-R-C-A-N-T.

Stancey: Got it, Stam Luji Percant. I like that a lot, thanks kid.

Jaune: You're welcome! Can I come in now... Stan?

Stancey: ...

Stan: Come on in little man.

Jaune: Yay! Thanks, Stan!

Stan: ...

Stan: Sniff!

Stan: This is the best day of my life!

~~~

Jaune: Okay... Where is the bar man...? Ahh... there he is.

Jaune spotted the man at the bar, and made his way over to him, and grabbed a seat at the bar, and waited for the bartender to wait on him.

: Hey, what can I... The hell?! What the hell are you doing in here kid?!

Jaune: Hello... You're, Junior, Junior Xiong right?

Junior: That's me...

Jaune: Good, I'm here looking for guy...

Junior: A kid snuck into a bar looking for someone? That's pretty ballsey of ya kid.

Jaune: I didn't sneak in, the bouncer let me in.

Junior: Stancey let you in, why the hell would he do that?!

Jaune: His name is not, Stancey anymore. It's Stan, Stan Luji Percant.

Junior: ...

Junior: Stan Luji Percant...?

Jaune: That's what I said.

Junior: Stan Luji Percant... I like that!

Jaune: Thank you, I came up with it.

Junior: I can see why he let you in. So, kid, who are you looking for?

Jaune: I'm looking for my uncle. His name is, Roman Torchwick. Tall man, orange hair, has a flamboyant, peacock personality. Tell him his nephew, Jaune Arc is looking for him.

Junior: ...

Junior: R-Roman's an uncle? Roman has a family?!

Jaune: Yes, he's a terrible influence on my sister. Serious gambling issues.

Junior: R-Really?

Jaune: She likes running betting pools for years on who I'm going to sleep with...

Junior: S-Seriously...?

Jaune: Yeah...

Junior: Okay... Well... I'll send, Roman a message, in the meantime, want a drink kid?

Jaune: Got any grape sodas?

~~~

It was nearly two hours that, Jaune was brought to a broken down warehouse by some of, Junior's goons.

Jaune marveled as he looked at all the 'merchandise' that was kept in here; weapons, Dust, gaming consoles, and anything else that could bring a quick buck, or two his uncles pockets.

Jaune walked over to a man resting on a couch, snoring so loudly he could hear him from the other side of the warehouse. Jaune looked at the man, before he kicked him off the couch landing flat on his face.

Roman: Owwwww.... What the hell...? Neo, why the hell did you...?! Oh, hi, Jaune.

Jaune: Uncle Roman...

Roman: You were coming here today?

Jaune: Yep... I've been in, Vale for three hours now...

Roman: Really?

Jaune: Yeah... I've spent most of my time at, Junior's bar waiting for you to pick me up.

Roman: Ohhh... whoops...?

Jaune: Yeah... whoops...

Roman: I'm sorry, Jaune... I've been busy lately... late night heists don't really give you the opportunity to rest. I'll show you to your room, you can put your gear in there. We'll start your 'training' the next day. You're probably tired from all this traveling anyway. Alright?

Jaune: That's alright with me. I am tired from all this traveling anyway. Not to mention, Mom's tearful goodbye that seemingly never ended.

Roman: Ha! Juni's always been such a cry baby.

Jaune: I was scared for a bit that mom would die of dehydration from how much she was crying...

Roman: Yeah... It's scary how she does that... Alright, Neo?!

With a shatter of glass, Jaune looked to the side, and see his old multi-coloured friend appear. At least, he hoped she would become his friend in this new life. Only time would tell.

Roman: Show him to his room; You can play with your new toy tomorrow as part of his training.

Jaune: Looking forward to it.

Jaune bowed his head, as Neo gave a impish grin as she bowed deeply towards him in kind.

Roman: Alright go, go, go! I need to sleep some more...

Jaune: I'll see you later, Uncle. Oh, and this is yours...

Jaune handed, Roman a wad of, Lien chips, who stared at the curiously.

Roman: What's this?

Jaune: Your share of the winnings from one of the betting pools. 'My first kiss,' if you must know.

Roman: Oh so she stole your first kiss, eh? Ha! I knew she was going to take it!

Jaune: It was a foolish bet to take. Of course, Jeanne would take my first kiss.

[allmannerofmalady]

In continuation of my clownery, I started a new DATV playthrough because my beloved Inquisitor looked so jarring I had to remake her and replay like 20 hours of the game. But hey, I made peace with the fact that I am playing DATV to wrap up Inquisition and get an ending scene at this point, I'm not currently foreseeing a second playthrough, so I gotta do it right, y'know?

Spoilers, and me complaining at extreme length, yet again, about my own personal expectations vs reality into the void. Please ignore if DATV negativity is something you prefer to stay away from, protect your peace & what you enjoy.

So I replay HOURS. I'm having fun killing everything as fast as I can - I don't know what it is about playing as a rogue in this game that has tickled my ADHD brain so much, but I'm surprisingly really good at the arrow bonanza and relentless enemy aggro?! This turn based bitch? I digress.

I see my bb Inquisitor Lavellan - she still doesn't look like herself, but I can live with it. She got some ill-advised fillers in Tevinter, she's been through a lot, let her LIVE.

This time around my strategy is pure lore hunting. I'm getting every codex, I'm SQUEEZING this playthrough for whatever lore/easter eggs I can get because idk if I'm going to play again. I got all of Solas' murals early on, got Mythal's essence before Weisshaupt even, I think. BUT WAIT! I have one more treat! The locked room in the Lighthouse! Solas' study! There must be something juicy for all the effort, right? RIGHT? :'D

I know it's been beaten to death, but PERSONALLY, the game still feels incredibly flat to me, jarringly so. If I'm in the Dreadwolf's home, I want to snoop. I want Rook to look through his library, his books, his garbage bin. I even remember the devs saying they wanted being in the Lighthouse to feel an old friends house, or something? I could be wrong, my brain is fried. It's not just a Solas thing - I'm playing this game because I'm desperate for info about the characters I love, but as Rook, we are IN Solas' HQ and I want to rip open the floorboards. I'm trying to RP as much as I can RP in this G.

Anyway, I was so thirsty for something more, something deeper than just these lovely environments I cant do much with, and notes on how Solas hoards raisins - so I collected the wisps and did all the things to unlock the second door in the Lighthouse, forever booboo the fool, thinking I would get some juicy content or something. Trying to stay positive.

No. NO. I got some gear, another empty room Rook has no comments on, and fine, some of Solas' observations on the anchor. It does seem to confirm he kept the Inquisitor’s arm aaaand I love him your honour.

Back to backflipping and shooting arrows in the air, and wanting to grab Emmrich by the beautiful lapels to shake him and ask about the Pentaghast family. Where's my WIFE --

On to the Weisshaupt mission, which was actually ridiculously fun to play - until I was told Weisshaupt is gone haha wow great love that at least the Inquisitor & gang are keeping Southern Thedas safe *subtle foreshadowing* 😃🤞 weeee

I was SO MAD at myself for expecting more like the clown that I am, it was something dumb but just annoyed me all over again and got me all… opinionated 🫠

So, I'm mad again. I cannot begin to articulate my feelings about the incredible amount of storylines and lore we've lost with the decisions made in DATV's writing - they've already been written so eloquently by much greater minds than myself. SO I'm just laughing my way through the pain 🤡

People pleaser that I am, I see other creators I've followed and loved for ages defend the game's choices, tell others they lack media literacy, that your criticisms mean you have rose tinted glasses about the previous games - whatever, your opinion can be valid without tearing others down. So, I genuinely thought something was wrong with me for being so hung up on details. But I can't even engage in fan theories anymore because I'm so jaded at this point. When I see new deep dives into lore-based theories on the game, 99% of the time my mind goes "There is no deeper meaning. They just wanted to wrap it up." Why do you think this thing happened? What do you think that thing is hinting? Nothing. And this is coming from someone who played all the games, owns all the novels, art books, World of Thedas I and II, the bloody Inquisitor lamp from the BioWare store LOL, I was primed and ready to engage in these conversations, but I can't. I have nothing to say that won't end in a cynical answer, and maybe that's because I'm also jaded by working in the game-adjacent VFX industry.

The factions are, yet again, fun but shallow, the logic confusing, and lack much of a backstory for Rook (I think Grey Wardens and Mourn Watchers seem to be the best developed from other reviews and playthroughs, I've only played extensively as a Shadow Dragon, to be fair). Why are you a mage in this one faction? Why are you a rogue in another when it doesn't make sense without a story to support it? It's all this beautiful candy floss that melts away the minute I stop and think about it. And then the cynic in me thinks - these are probably vestiges of the live service part of the game that EA was pushing for. I have to slap myself and stop looking for deeper meaning within corporate decisionsssss there is no swimming pool behind that closed door you needed 7 wisps for 😃

I desperately did not want this to be the case. I was hyped. I preordered the game and organized vacation around it, I'm too old and dealing with way too many crappy personal things to just be a hater for the sake of being a hater. Gaming and Dragon Age are my comfort spaces. But for the LIFE of me, I can't imagine playing DATV again once I finish, let alone more times than I can count like the previous games. Or imagine listening to 4 hours of Youtube videos of party banter to analyze, or even imagine how companions would react to certain things because they feel so stiff. Everything is beautiful, but sterile.

I do love Emmrich - I'm enjoying his storyline and romance, it's like the loveliest most whimsical Vincent Price Pixar romance, but still, something is always missing with the characters even as some do grow on me. I can't imagine anything close to just the party banter ALONE between Solas and Iron Bull. Cole. Fenris and Anders. And to be clear - the whole DA was GRITTY and DARK, DAO supremacy - NOT ME. I love all the games but they have always been whimsical and silly, cringey at times, and did not take themselves seriously. I remember doing the quest where Hawke is running around trying to keep Aveline's date with Donnic from going south, cracking up at how ridiculous it was, and just thinking - gods I LOVE this game.

Speaking of romance, while I'm enjoying how sweet the romance with Emmrich is, when I see others complaining about lack of spice... ahem. I still cannot get over the art style when it comes to characters. This is subjective, and a me problem - I still find it jarring. I don't like the proportions, the bloom, how smooth everyone looks. They still mostly look like cartoons to me, with no body hair and the big heads, and I find everyone's hands so distracting because they look like plasticine. I'm ok with no spice between these characters with their current designs lol let me leave it at that. Ok, except for Felassan and Solas, chef's kiss, no notes.

Solas and story elements directly around him still mostly hold the familiar weight, for the most part. I think credit goes to his amazing VA and the strength of what was likely written for his arc from the very start, before the rewrites and dev hell the game went through. I still have opinions, obviously, but even as a ride or die Solavellan I don't like having the Solavellan angle hijack conversations, so I'm not going to go there. If I'm going to criticize stuff I'll do it as a gamer/DA fan first, egg lover and apologist second.

As I reach the end of Act 2, the game continues to makes me feel like I'm stripped of all agency after a lifetime of playing choice-based games. I talk to companions when it allows me to, then they are relegated to set dressing. My conversation choices all feel the same, or don't match what I'm choosing sometimes. The Lighthouse does not feel like the vibrant hub it was sold as. I am on quests I mostly cannot accept or reject. I cannot interact with my surroundings unless it is gameified (light a candle, move a crystal). The companions abilities are all just - platforming? I know I sound hyperbolic, but it's all I can see currently.

I played Persona 5 from end to end, twice. I played FFXVI. I loved both, had no issues with their linear storytelling, and how the game led you to their end points. Those games are not DA, they did not have the expectations you would have from a BioWare title 10 years in the making. You were not lured in by tales of an incredible character creator, teased about what might be coming from previous games, told this was a sequel to an immersive fantasy RPG series in a beloved fantasy world where the defining studio mechanic was CHOICES MATTER, even when they changed a lot of other things from title to title. In P5/FFXVI you were Clive, you were Joker, you were playing out their story. They were not direct sequels to anything. I'm loathe to be seen as a mindless critic who just wants to shit on things, but a part of me does feel emotionally manipulated for $$$. I still resent how much hype was built for the game by maligning the previous ones (we're fixing Inquisition's mistakes!!).

I'm back to my mission of finishing the game I paid for, enjoy what I can, and get my Solavellan ending scene cause I'm down BAD for literally the only ship I have ever shipped🧍🏻‍♀️I appreciate that it was included. But also - wow does it exacerbate what wasn't included for everyone else's choices.

Something I hate is how everyone immediately jumped on the Baldur's Gate 3 comparisons - BG3 was a life changing game for me, but it's not perfect, and the comparisons are not fair. The one thing I will say is that when I first played BG3, despite its issues and the later criticisms of how Larian reacted to pressure from fans, I remember my earliest impression was - it feels good to be respected as a player. I didn't feel the game was talking down to me, and I got SO much for what I paid for (700 hours baybeee). Jaheira and Minsc were included as companions in homage to the previous games. Yes, they did Viconia dirty, nothing is perfect - but for example, Jaheira would tell you about her husband Khalid from the original games, which came out in 1998 and 2000. There was a lot of world building/easter eggs that not everyone was familiar with or even noticed, because not every player played BG1 and 2, or were familiar with DND 5e - but it was included. Drizzt Do’urden was mentioned ffs, they didn’t overthink about who read those books or not. I’m aware of my biases and I may very well be looking through rose tinted glasses, but I did not feel like the information was presented like I was dumb, or "ah they'll never understand this - SCRAP IT". It just feels like it’s there to honour the past and out of love for the world Larian were playing in.

—> edit to say that I do notice and enjoy the codex entries, callbacks to Tevinter Nights, Masked Empire, the older games. I wish that care and detail was woven into the main story and overall end product and not just background fluff. I know others are satisfied with those additions, wish that were me. I saw a tweet saying that every callback to a previous game or storyline actually pissed them off even more lol, I relate.

I don't feel that respect for the player in DATV, I'm sorry. There is love there, but as hard as I try, it feels like it's there despite of the overall design of the game, not part of it. I keep remembering interviews before the game was released and things that were promised, and I don't see it. At all. No more meaningless fetch quests!! Most companion-focused game! The quests are largely boring or formulaic, but addictive and fun because they are so packed with mindless combat that my brain enjoys. Sometimes it feels like filler - we didn't know what to add here, FIGHT! You unlocked a poignantly named gate in the Crossroads? NO STORY MORE FIGHT! And I'm eating it up, let me not be a hypocrite, I have 80 hours in the game. But personally, it feels designed to pad out this beautiful, sometimes fun, but bitterly shallow game. I can't even go into companion specifics because I have nothing to say, no story I want to analyze. Some have grown on me, but there is no bite or nuance to the writing that compels me and I have no urge to know more. In the previous DA games I would take the long route wherever I went just to get more banter from my companions, and I was instantly interested in them, even if I disliked them. I've seen the comments, I tried, I don't think it's because "I haven't spent enough time" with the DATV companions.

The level design of long narrow corridors, which do remind me of DA2 and FFXVI, has become so predictable to me that I almost always know exactly where I'm going to find loot. So it becomes this admittedly satisfying run of grabbing and fighting to the end point, getting the dopamine hits of collecting pointless stuff, but not really taking in the environments and enjoying the adventure. The level design is not immersive. These do not feel like real cities or real people, and that was intentional. It feels like “levels”, not a World. No one reacts to a single thing you do. Even in the ultra minimalist style of Zelda BOTW, townspeople would react to things you did. Sometimes I walk up to yet another obvious fight arena where the enemies are just chilling, waiting for me while standing still - almost like they're on shift at a haunted house LOL. I can imagine the Venatori stubbing out a cigarette, "C'mon guys, she's here, showtime". The funny part is this has all been seen before in older games, and it never bothered me. My own expectations and overhype might be to blame, but it feels like a big step back when so many games are stepping forward. Me = clown

I keep going back to my first reaction when the disappointment hit me. It feels like being given Persona 5 Strikers or Hyrule Warriors, and told that it's the sequel to the actual RPG. It's fun, it wears the skin of the thing you like that makes you happy, but stops there.

Other things I shake my fist at

Cheap ass The 6th Sense ass Varric death. Yes, yes, Solas villain arc whatever - it was cheap. Way to honour a multi-game beloved character and the player, even if the time had come for him to die in the story.

No, I cannot find a single redeeming reaction from a companion that makes Varric dying make sense in hindsight, except that they are all made of cardboard. I saw comments saying on a second playthrough it's clear Harding is in mourning - sorry, I don't see it.

So. Dorian, the Inquisitor, Charter, Harding, your party, Maevaris, Isabella, list goes on - not a single one of them asks about Varric or mentions his death? Expresses condolences? Nothing? Cheap. Even if Solas was playing with your mind, doesn't it make the overall characters in the game seem even more wooden and unrealistic to the player? It was not the gotcha they seem to think it is.

When the novelty of the cameos and the emotion associated wore off, they were just flat and felt random. Cassandra should have been there, doing Seeker shit (my WIFE). Ok no cameo? Casual dialogue with Emmrich about having a Nevarran in the Inquisition (or as the Divine?!) Lucanis info dumping about Josephine as an Antivan, Zevran as a Crow, nvm, time for a coffee joke. Merrill, eluvian queen, how is she a nonentity? Habibi Fenris should have been in the Shadow Dragons, spitting on the ground after being approached by Solas to join his uprising (lol what uprising amirite). Ok I'm cooking hire me Bioware 🍳 but at least they can remain untainted by the Isabella Treatment (tm)

This leads into the yeeting of the Keep, world states, choices, and hypocrisy around claiming to want to level the playing field for new players. No, all I can see is - it was treated as a buffet that they picked from as it suited. This is the one disappointment I will never let go of. Facsimile's of beloved character cameos were tossed in, you could not really talk to them outside of what limited dialogue you were allowed. Certain world states are now canon apparently - Dorian being recruited in the Inquisition, Morrigan drinking from the Well etc. You want a reboot and you've committed to tossing the choices and burning down Thedas (literally)? Go down with GLORY! Have all the previous main characters/companions alive. Have them all mentioned, even in passing. A portrait on a wall. Say goodbye to them, get your reboot. Honour what you built your business on. But yeah, Emmrich and Harding get to have their picnic in Fereldan fml bye

The argument of: well, the games are old now, it shouldn't matter. Ah - not too old to capitalize on the IP and DA name? Not too old to use some cameos to lure old players? The argument of - it was too many choices to track. Ok cut them down, but don't go scorched earth? 3 choices, mostly irrelevant to those who don't care about Solas (could never be me), and then literally telling you everything else in the South and Weisshaupt is now razed to the ground. But also the illuminati did everything.

FINALLY - the Inquisition should have been in charge of the hunt for Solas, hill I will die on. Fine, have Rook, but Inquisitor should have been the other protagonist. The people... who knew Solas best and betrayed by him... who were in an organization to save the world... Why did we have that cunty dagger stabbed into the map of Tevinter cliffhanger to have the Inquisitor reduced to a pyjama wearing husk BIOWAAAAAAAARE

It's this stuff that builds up, and makes me think - does this game hate its fanbase and source material that much? I very obviously need to go touch some grass 🤠

I keep engaging with Reddit, Tumblr, Twitter - all to my detriment because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for not loving it, all over again. I also desperately have a fic in me I would love to write, an ode to the story in my head from years of loving the world of Thedas, a love letter to my Lavellan and others - but idk what to do with the post-DATV world atp. I just want to get through Act 2/3, get my Solavellan smooch, ignore the ~secret Illuminati ending, and be grateful I'm not a Mass Effect fan so I don't have to go through this again 🐣

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #5: CADMIUM COLORS

(also on bandcamp and spotify!)

Once again, welcome back to the Constant Companions Closeups - a series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Last time, I wrote a whole diatribe about my OCs while talking about I Wish That I Could Fall, and today, we're eating paint! Cadmium Colors featuring Soneji of Project Mikan!

Consider this a content warning: this post will discuss the pandemic, struggles with mental health, and suicidal ideation/attempts. I'm hoping it'll ultimately be uplifting, but the discussions at hand are incredibly heavy, and it wouldn't do this song right to be vague. Please be warned.

---

Let's talk about COVID.

At the beginning of 2020, I was in the midst of a long-term break from making music. It wasn't completely cold turkey, and I might not have even called it a break if you'd asked me at the time, but things were dire. I was still dealing with the burnout I'd sustained from the making of Autumn Every Day; I'd had my ego bruised by a live performance at a house party that went so hilariously bad it'd hurt even the most stoic performers (imagine watching an entire packed room of people clear out in 5 minutes flat from the already hyper-exposed vantage point of being on stage in front of them and knowing you single-handedly caused that lol); I had just moved across the country, and was preoccupied with trying to make ends meet as a 22 year old dealing with pure adulthood for the first time.

I was working a shitty minimum wage job at a discount clothing store I will not be naming, slogging through late-night shifts that wouldn't get me home until 3 am some nights. I had friends and roommates, but they were all just as overworked and exhausted and dealing with their own shit as me. I was mentally ill and unmedicated. Suicidal ideation was rearing its ugly head at my lowest moments.

Then, as I turned 23, a global pandemic shut the world down, my grandpa died with me being unable to attend his funeral, and I had a catastrophic mental breakdown that suddenly turned the voices in my head into a deafening cacophony of self-inflicted malice.

In hindsight, I think being 23 kinda just does that to you

---

Fast forward to 2021. I was back at my retail job with the pandemic raging in full force, my sense of self was held together with duct tape, positive self-talk essentially didn't exist for me, and I was the loneliest and lowest I had ever been. I was working the fewest hours I could get away with, and still, almost all spare time I had was taken up either by work or by my recovery from it.

This was around the time I got an email from Crypton, of all places - the people that make Hatsune Miku, for anyone uninformed. They wanted a remix of the song Happy Synthesizer for a Digital Stars compilation. I could not for the life of me tell you how I lucked into this or why they reached out to me of all people, but they did, and I was deathly determined to prove myself worthy of it.

This was August of 2021. I was staring down the barrel, languishing in what felt like only half of a life, fantasizing about death and trying to twist my thoughts into something that could at least keep me blearily shuffling forward another couple days. It was untenable.

(I'd also recently been diagnosed with OSDD 1b - this is a whole can of worms I can't really open until we talk about Breeze Blows, but it's important to at least mention that coping with this was a significant part of this turnaround.)

It's melodramatic, but I had only two options - make things again, or die.

I finished that remix within 24 hours of getting the stems, and I will gladly toot my own horn about it - it's really fucking good, in my opinion. Bittersweet ended up coming together in a mad dash over the next couple months as well. I was making music again.

Even though I was exponentially busier, things paradoxically got easier. I made the creative process a priority in my life, and not only did it give me an outlet for everything that had otherwise been eating away at my soul, but it struck a chord with other people who had been struggling as well. Things just... started getting brighter.

So I kept making music and living and yadda yadda blah blah here I am. This is all a lot of words and very personal stories of mental health struggles to say this:

One: The line between being an artist and being one of countless people forced to work jobs that go nowhere, that put their life at risk, that force them to strip parts of themselves away - it is a faint and transparent line built on circumstances of class and privilege and luck. Making Art and being an Artist aren't magical elevated states of existence, but something anyone is capable of if given the space to nurture their creativity. I believe the world should be a place where any person can do this.

Two: It's easy to convince yourself that art is meaningless in the face of the world at large. And yes, revolutions aren't fought by poetry and paintings, and people aren't fed through songs. But art is a source and a medium for connection; Art is how we find beauty in a disorganized and entropic world; Art is what we come home to and what words we write and pictures we paint and songs we sing to remind us that people matter to us and love is real and life is worth fucking living. Maybe that's corny and stupid, but it's true.

Three: So help me God, I will never work retail again in my entire life.

---

This is another song that is heavily inspired by artists like Prefab Sprout, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, and other artists of that ilk - very 80s, very flowery and sentimental lyricism, focused on telling a story. I greatly admire songs that aren't afraid to paint otherwise banal or ordinary scenes in abstract reverence!! I wanted the verses to contrast heavily with each other in that way, with verse one's relentless poeticisms (prosaic practice of depravity) and idioms turned on their head (suspending innocents above their disbelief) against verse two's incredibly straightforward depiction of a factory worker's circumstances.

The flowery language might have worked against me somewhat, though! I've seen a lot of folks that thought the ending was darker or much more defeatist than I intended, and while some of that is just inevitable with a work of art, I want to be clear.

Translator's note: this means "don't kill yourself, you idiot"!!

As you may have picked up from the previous post in this series, this song does heavily feature a leitmotif or two predominantly performed under pudgy pretenses. I'm not going to go on that whole novella-length spiel again, but rest assured knowing that this song, too, is one that makes me think about my OCs. Since it's something many people missed, however, I will take a moment to point out that this song quotes none other than Autumn Every Day off of my album of the same name!

Painting and visual art have been something of a reoccurring obsession of mine in my own art. I grew up around visual artists, have always been friends with many visual artists, and generally have a really intense love of it as a medium and a mode of expression. However, there's also always been a sense of... well, I don't want to call it jealousy, but it's jealousy. I've tried many times to start making visual art of my own, and I have made some things, but it's been a struggle, and I worry sometimes that my eye has permanently outstripped my ability.

However, in my quest to toss out grand expectations and simply have fun making art, I did recently pick up a cheap little drawing tablet! I'm excited to be a beginner at something artistic again...

Finally, I want to thank a couple people: Soneji of Project Mikan for the gorgeous, soaring saxophone solo; friend_xp for the mindboggling MV editing; and especially my good friend Que for the GORGEOUS painterly art that goes along with this song! Que's style was just perfect for this, and really tied the whole thing together immaculately!! There's no joke or deeper lore or anything I just fucking love Que's art go follow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, I think this post is complete!! If you have anything else you wanna know about, ask away in the replies! Tomorrow will be Breeze Blows with Marcy Nabors and Marlow Jacobs!!!

MAKE ART AND BE GAY

[elfboyeros]

Sorry I'm saying it Hazbin Hotel is lackluster

[cybersteal]

Cigarette Thief

Thanks to the IRON LUNG pose pack for giving me inspo to launch the game for the first time in a week! Y'all did such a good job on these, bless 🙏

[necrotic-nephilim]

in lieu of having posted any writing/headcanons/asks in the past few days because i have been *so* busy and unable to do anything fandom-related which is terrible and evil, i have a poll out of morbid curiosity and self-indulgence. i've been meaning to ramble here about how i feel about DC's lack fo Deaf representation and which Batfam members i would personally make Deaf, but i am mildly curious about the larger opinion and now i will subject you all to the question, i would love to hear thoughts/opinions/headcanons on any specific choices. (would love d/Deaf/HoH opinions esp but i'm mostly expecting this to reach the hearing crowd, so opinions from hearing ppl are ones i'm very curious about. if you've never given it thought before you are going to now or else /lh)

[popsicle-stick]

leaving this here and running away but i don't actually hate coppola's 92 dracula. as a film, it unironically slaps. however. as an adaptation of the 1897 book 'dracula' by bram stoker, it IS objectively terrible

[awakefor48hours]

I'm your average tumblrina, I see two female characters that tried to kill each other or sword fight once and they invade my mind 24/7. I don't make the rules.

[battythewitch]

You're not required to share your craft or whatever, btw. It's fine to keep it all to yourself, to only share a little, to only vaguely mention it, or to talk about it constantly etc. Whatever. Do what feels right for you.

[queen-scribbles]

.

[astralfist]

A friendly reminder that since it is election day her in the US, if you feel the need to post about politics, please tag your politics.

Politics is a major issue everywhere, and let's be honest, it can be a huge headache, and not everybody is comfortable with wanting to get politically involved with anything.

That is all.

[imaginaryanon]

ohhh, da fandom, how i've not fucking missed you lmaooo the new game's release is still a month away but already i'm reminded exactly why i became convinced i'd never want anything to do with that franchise again. jesus christ. except this time im 30 and hopefully better at tailoring my online experience to not exhaust me & make me pissed and anxious (even if half of da tumblr is like. already laser-focused on making this a shit experience for everyone who stumbles upon their fuckass posts huh hfgjhjhjd)

anyway i'm listening & learning & blocking even MORE tags & not looking at SHIT until i play the game myself <3 For Real this time. "oh but surely it's just an innocent opinion and not a spoiler or anything--" that is the devil talking. all posts abt veilguard rn are full of shit, on account of The Game Isn't Fucking Out Yet How Are You Guys Already Having Novel-Length Opinions (TM)!!!! anyway i simply don't need that kind of energy in my life

i enjoy these games too much to be chased outta here by deranged drama i'm not even a part of again 😭 get fucked & god unbless

[5ummit]

I feel like the HTP/winterbones fandom is very divided on this but I'm curious to know how divided and where everyone stands. Please explain your thoughts and reasoning in the replies or tags if you don't mind! Why do you love it or hate it? If there are specific situations where you're fine with it but not others, what are they?

[atalienart]

but they are published fics…? and there’s nothing wrong with that like congratulations to them for being noticed and picked up by a publisher maybe over an ‘eww nooo’ reaction? also btw a lot of your thought posts when coming from someone writing a book feel like you’re telling people how you want them to react to your work rather than letting it happen naturally when they read it, like sorry people will read your book and make connections and see similarities to x,y,z other published works but that’s a good thing anyway! people will be engaging positively in your work, analysing and taking it all in! engagement is good even if it’s not the kind you want

I assume you're answering to this [x]? First of all, I don't expect people to do anything. Second, technically publishing fanfiction is illegal, so whenever someone publishes something outside of fanfic spaces I treat is as something original. And of course, big congratulations to the author, no questioning that. Now, I didn't say "eww nooo", I said I couldn't enjoy reading the story seeing actors' faces in characters. Are you telling me I should react differently to that book? Of course people will make connections and find similarities, and that means not everyone will have warm feelings towards the story. I like to use my imagination while reading fiction, that's it. To you the knowledge that the story has its source in reylo fandom is a bonus, something that makes the book more fun. For me it means I'll see Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley's mannerisms that I don't particularly enjoy. It's nothing personal, I don't even have an opinion on reylo fandom (it's like any other fandom). I just have preferences and voice them on my blog. My thought posts are just that - thought posts, not a guide to how people should react to anything. And the fact that I myself write doesn't mean I should just shut up whenever I don't like something. I'm a human being with likes and dislikes and it's fun to talk about those with others.

[necrotic-nephilim]

For the ask game! 3 and 21 please ✨

for the choose violence ask game!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

i won't screenshot bc i'm not thinking of one post specifically but a couple i've seen- the idea that Tim should be from Crime Alley, not Bristol. which firstly: i need people to understand Tim isn't Bristol rich. Tim is a millionaire and not nearly as high a tax bracket as Bruce is. his family goes *bankrupt* at one point and it's his stepmother supporting them with a job as a physical therapist. like he's not as rich as some ppl thing he is. but that said, he *is* still upper middle class and it's very important to who he is and how his history as Robin is shaped. it shapes how he interactions with other characters. you just... can't make him from Crime Alley? like why would you want to when we *have* a Crime Alley Robin. it changes so much about Tim that he's no longer then same character. and the idea he could just lie about being from an affluent family with a seven-figure company is? i do not get it. like the entire mess of "Tim pretends to be a Drake" is a headcanon that is so bad to me and just tries too hard to make Tim' backstory more interesting to make him the main character. the entire point of Tim Drake was for him to be a *normal kid* becoming Robin. and all that is ruined when you add all these weird things to him. i'm begging fanon to just enjoy Janet and Jack Drake. please <3

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

oooh, i already talked about Joker: Last Laugh and Deat In The Family. is it... bad if i say the entirety of Wayne Family Adventures?

i think i'll be nice and narrow it down actually: the Wayne Family Adventures episode where Jason has a panic attack because a noise reminds him of the crowbar and he runs and hides until Bruce finds him. that episode... oh it haunts me. i think it really fucked up how most of this fandom understands Jason's relationship to his trauma. and the fact that it's *so* popular makes it even worse bc it can often be the only "canon" content some fans have consumed about him. it makes Jason feel incompetent and it misunderstands what his trauma around his death actually is. it paints him as afraid of the Joker and not full of such a violent rage. i just. oh i can usually understand the merits to WFA even if it's not For Me, but that episode i just... don't get it. i don't get how someone can honestly enjoy Jason's character and still think that episode does him favors and is in character. i'm baffled and angry and rolling my eyes all at once.